What To Say To Someone With An Eating Disorder

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Last updated on March 26th, 2025 at 07:45 pm

It can be incredibly difficult to know what to say to someone with an eating disorder.

If you have a loved one with warning signs of an eating disorder, you might encounter the very difficult task of: 

Eating disorders are complex. Comments that may seem like compliments or something that is encouraging can quickly trigger eating disorder behaviors for someone struggling with food. So it’s important to be cautious with your words!

The person struggling with eating likely comes with a very loud eating disorder voice which can easily twist even well-intended comments into insults, triggers, and ultimately eating disorder behaviors.

Let’s explore what to say to someone struggling to eat, what not to say, and the best ways to support your loved one during this very difficult time. 

What To Say To Someone With An Eating disorder

When there is an eating disorder at the table, the person is probably experiencing extreme grief, fear, shame, and even anger. 

Here are some discussion topics that can help someone with an ED:

  • I want to understand how this is affecting you 
  • What are some of the things you are feeling right now? 
  • I understand that you are angry and frustrated because you didn’t get that promotion at work because you were the most qualified candidate and because you feel like your work was not valued. 
  • I know that this is incredibly difficult for you. Let’s take this first bite together. 
  • I love you. I trust you, and I believe in you. 
  • Whatever you’re feeling right now is valid. I’m here to support you and listen to your fears. 

A person struggling to eat should be following an eating disorder recovery meal plan specifically designed to meet their needs by an eating disorder dietitian. They will likely need to engage in mechanical eating(structured meals and snacks) for the initial stages of eating disorder recovery.

It’s important to consider that the initial stages of eating disorder recovery are not a time for intuitive eating or gentle nutrition. A more structured plan is critical.

This can make it extremely difficult for the person with an eating disorder because they may feel they are not honoring their bodies hunger cues.

What Not To Say To Someone With An Eating Disorder

If someone has an eating disorder, you should not make any statements about weight or food if possible.

You should refrain from making accusatory statements to someone with an eating disorder (for example: You have an eating disorder) which are likely just met with resistance, anger, grief and skepticism.

Here’s a list of things you should never say to someone with an eating disorder:

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  • You need help
  • You never finish your meals
  • You’re losing a lot of weight 
  • Why can’t you just eat it? 
  • You’ve lost weight
  • Great job, you’ve gained weight
  • You look so healthy!
  • You’re looking so good!
  • You’re not too thin/lean
  • “you don’t look like you have an eating disorder”
  • Have you been working out?
  • Working out can help you gain weight in the right places
  • You won’t gain weight if you eat more
  • Wow. I really wish I had your level of control. 
  • Are you going to eat all of that?
  • I wish I could eat that and look like you
  • Just cut out (insert food)
  • I don’t eat (insert food here)
  • I’m on (insert diet here) diet 
  • That is so gross! 
  • That food is healthy/unhealthy
  • That food is good/bad
  • You should only have (insert food) in moderation 
  • Great job finishing all of your meal! 
  • That’s not part of your meal plan 
  • You could stop if you just had practiced willpower
  • You don’t need any more food
  • Why don’t you try this diet?
  • I used to feel out of control too until I stopped eating (sugar, gluten, insert food here)
  • Have you tried intermittent fasting? 
  • You don’t need that
  • Just don’t eat when you’re not hungry

If you are supporting someone with a recovery meal plan, you may need to address whether the meal plan has been met or not met. These should be the only comments ever made about food.

what to say at the table for eds

Starting The Conversation About an Eating Disorder

Something that can be helpful to understand when you initially approach a person you suspect has an eating disorder is that the job of the eating disorder is to keep itself alive. Therefore, anything that threatens keeping the eating disorder is likely to be met with resistance and a slurry of arguments from the person about how they are perfectly “okay” or “just have this little issue they need to work on but it’s not a real problem.”

When talking to someone you suspect might be struggling with food, it can be helpful to avoid “you” statements. You statements can feel accusatory, and can make the person feel like their eating disorder is their fault. They may feel like they are personally responsible for the pain they are experiencing and having an eating disorder. To open up dialogue, try changing “you” statements to “I” statements.

I statements let the person know you’re taking responsibility for your own feelings, and you are not blaming them for their eating disorder. 

infographic of what not to say to someone with an eating disorder

Some examples of “I” statements include: 

  • I’m noticing you have lower energy than usual, and your moods are shifting quickly. Is everything okay? 
  • I’m noticing you disappear after mealtimes and I’ve found laxatives in your room.  I want to help support you and get you set up with people that can work through this with you.
  • I’m very concerned about you. I’m noticing you’re not interested in spending time with your friends or doing activities you used to love. 

The most important thing to know is that it is not your job to fix the person with an eating disorder or “solve the problem.” You are likely not qualified to do this, and you should refrain from this urgency even if the persons eating disorder feels very scary for you. Your job is to sit with them and support them on their journey, even if you can’t understand everything they’re experiencing.

Try not to become upset if the person does not respond to your support in a positive way, or can’t meet the expectations of recovery.

Try to be open with simply sitting with the persons feelings and experiences, and requesting permission to share your feelings where it’s appropriate. Make sure you are in a calm environment, and that you don’t bring up the conversation when there’s a lot of other stressful life events happening (death in the family, loss of job).

Having additional resources such as an eating disorder care team or treatment center already researched when you approach someone you suspect might have an eating disorder can be helpful.

what to say to someone with an eating disorder infographic

Tools For Eating Disorder Recovery

Someone with an eating disorder should be working with a qualified treatment team which includes a doctor, therapist, and dietitian. 

These tools may be helpful while appropriate care is established and throughout eating disorder recovery

These eating disorder recovery books can be an excellent resource to support you and your loved one in the journey of recovery. 

Remember, eating disorder recovery is a long, nonlinear process. The sooner you’re able to help your loved one in recovery the less likely they are to have long-term complications of eating disorders. 

Check out my anorexia story to explore some of the common thought processes that go along with an eating disorder.

Starting the conversation about eating disorders sooner rather than later could save someone’s life.

Shena Jaramillo. Registered Dietitian
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