My Anorexia Story

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Last updated on July 20th, 2023 at 03:33 am

Hi. I’m Shena. Dietitian, daughter, mother, sister, and in recovery from a long string of eating disorders neatly stacked on top of one another.  Here is my anorexia story. 

When you have anorexia nervosa, a hallmark of the condition is that your eating disorder voice will have a long list of reasons why you’re really not “that bad off.” 

Your anorexia will probably say to you: 

• But I’m not as skinny as that girl in the photo in health class
• At least I don’t purge
• I don’t even look anorexic 
• You’re still eating. Anorexics don’t eat. 
• Look at all that fat you eat! People with anorexia don’t eat “bad” foods
• You’re not even hungry. You shouldn’t be eating when you’re not hungry. That’s how people get fat. 
• They’re jealous. Not everyone can look like this. 

How do I know?

Because eating disorders all have the same things to say in each participant’s head. It’s like a secret cult you were never aware you signed up for and can’t just walk away from. 

I want to explore how my anorexia started, which is a similar narrative to so many other anorexia survivors.  

Let’s walk through some of my most toxic self-harm behavior, and how I finally dismissed the only lover I had space for at that period of my life: my eating disorder. 

What Anorexia Feels Like 

I had an alter ego.  She was called “the thinnest person in the room.” 

Hand in hand with my anorexia I believed I would conquer the world. Anorexia made me feel: 

• Powerful
• Disciplined
• Successful
• Accomplished
• Worthy
• Elite
• Safe

I displaced all of the terrifying things that were actually happening to me in real-time. The way my body was responding to a diet of fewer than 600 calories a day. 

I remember the first-day anorexia got really scary. 

Pullin to the side of the road at age 19 with my infant in the back of the car I said to my 14-year-old niece Shelby “do you know how to drive?”

Terrified she looked at me and said…. “No.” 

“I need to teach you in the next minute and a half” I said, “Because in 5 minutes I won’t be able to talk.”  I would have loved to be more subtle about the urgency of the situation, but I knew I didnt have. alot of time to make up another “excuse.”

I felt my fingers, toes, and tongue getting numb. I was shaking uncontrollably. Freezing. My vision was going in and out. This feeling was familiar to me.  I was waiting for unavoidable babbling to come- when I would be thinking thoughts in my head but I could hear the words coming out as only jumbled noises.

I was hoping I could remain conscious long enough for us to make it home. 

Shelby drove us home. I survived that day.

How My Anorexia Started

My anorexia story is somewhat unique in that my restrictive eating actually didn’t start as anorexia.  It started something called Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder or ARFID when I was 5 years old.

My ARFID consisted of: 

• Being extremely picky about food textures
• Only tolerating a handful of foods
• Many fear foods because of taste and texture aversions
• Having many food rituals like leaving the last bite on the plate

While I was not intentionally restricting my food with ARFID, It contributed in several big ways to my later development of anorexia nervosa. 

ARFID contributed to my anorexia because: 

• I lived with a body weight below a “healthy BMI” for as long as I can remember
• I was awarded excessive amounts of thin privilege for my underweight body at a very young age
• My thin body became a huge part of my identity
• I received compliments about my body size even before I was greeted in over 90% of interactions

Bottom line: My ARFID taught me that thin bodies equal better bodies.

Anorexia After Pregnancy 

Pregnancy was my gateway to anorexia.  

As far as the world was concerned, pre-pregnancy I had the “ideal body type”.  My body seemed to be the most important thing to everyone. I knew it too.  I wore it like I had earned the right to a title that separated the “worthy” from everyone else. 

I became pregnant when I was 18 years old and walked to the graduation ceremony of high school at the end of my first trimester. 

Suddenly my world as I knew it, my world of being the thinnest girl in the room collapsed. 

The Binge Cycle

During my pregnancy was the first time I really had access to foods I enjoyed.  My body decided it wanted ALL the foods. 

I felt out of control with food. I felt an extreme hunger that was insatiable. I felt like there would never be enough food. 90% of my day was spent fearing there would not be enough food. 

My typical binge looked like this: 

• ¾ casserole pan lasagna. I would become upset at my boyfriend if he didn’t eat “his share)
• Entire pizzas, an entire batch of breadsticks, and super-sized sodas
• Hot pockets, a box of drumsticks ice cream cones, and ½ a bag of grapes

I was never full.  I was never satisfied. I would stop eating only if I could force myself to follow a self-imposed food rule, which wasn’t often.

I would spiral into a vicious binge restrict cycle every hour of every day.

The Doctor That Triggered My Anorexia

“You’ve gained about 50 lbs. That’s more than you should be gaining, but since you were a little underweight before you got pregnant I think it’s okay. Just try not to gain too much more weight.” 

Those were the words verbatim that triggered my spiral into anorexia. It’s funny how when you have an eating disorder, moments like that stand still in time. My doc was my first food shamer, or at least the first one I ever paid attention to.

That might have been what my doctor said, but in my mind all I heard was: 

“You’re fat. You need to stop gaining weight.” 

I had begun to binge eat once I had gotten access to food following my unintentional restriction in my youth.  My pregnancy was showing it.  

The messages I heard from my doctor were: 

• You’re failing at this pregnancy
• You’re worthless, inadequate, and can’t control what you eat
• You’ll never be a normal weight again 
• Good mothers only gain 30 lbs in their pregnancies

I started to intentionally restrict myself from eating.

I immediately made it a rule during my 3rd trimester of pregnancy that I was not allowed to eat until 3 p.m., and I would restricted food as much as humanly possible. 

My 12-year bout with restrictive eating began. 

Just for reference on how fucked up our healthcare system is here, I want to make it clear that at 9 months pregnant I was still within a “healthy” BMI for a “nonpregnant” woman my height and weight when I was given the advice to “stop gaining weight.” 

That’s all I have to say about that.

Messages In Pregnancy That Led To My Eating Disorder

During pregnancy, I was sent endless messages about how my body was equal to my self-worth.  As a natural born over-achiever, I was determined to be the BEST at achieving whatever standard diet culture sent me about postpartum bodies.

I learned things like: 

• Bodies should never have stretch marks
• Your pre-pregnancy weight is a necessary achievement or you fail
• If you can’t obtain your pre-pregnancy body you’ve let yourself go
• Fat mothers set a poor example for their children
• Mothers should NEVER look like they’ve had babies
• Don’t you dare go up a clothing size, that would mean you’ve given up

However, I think the BIGGEST message that was sent to me during pregnancy was NO message at all.  People stopped complimenting my body size. They stopped glorifying my thinness.  They actually addressed me by my name and not my body size. 

I was a teen mom. And little did I know a soon-to-be single teen mom. I was NOT about to miss a single standard assigned to prodigal mothers. 

I WOULD be the best mother. I am ashamed to admit at the time the highest priority for this meant resuming my pre-pregnancy body to prove to the world I was a worthy mother.  

Postpartum Weight Loss and Anorexia

This is when shit got real.  

To keep myself from gaining a single additional pound during my third trimester I added in exercise for 2-3 hours a day. 

This included exercising while I was in labor exactly 18 hours before giving birth to my daughter. 

After she was born I waited 4 days.  Then I packed her things up to hit the gym with a sleeping baby next to my treadmill for a 3-4 hour stretch daily. 

I restricted every calorie I could. This was on top of intense exercise and exclusively nursing a newborn. 

I made it.  At three months postpartum I had lost the full 60 lbs I gained during pregnancy. I gave myself the gold star of “superior mother” to rest on top of the head of my abusive partner: anorexia. 

I had won the postpartum baby weight game. And I was all about “winning.” 

Nobody Ever Asked If I Had Anorexia 

After my pregnancy, I was obsessed with losing weight.  

I was so heavily praised for it I couldn’t imagine anything was wrong.  

Nobody ever asked if I was okay. Nobody ever asked if I restricted.  Why would they? I was the epidemy of the “perfect mother, who loses her baby weight like a good girl”

Finally, I landed myself in the emergency room.  They didn’t tell me I had anorexia but they did tell me: 

• I might be having a stroke
• They couldn’t find my veins after 20 tries
• My blood pressure was dangerously low, so I should probably wear a bracelet that told people that when I exercised. 
• They’d get me a blanket because I couldn’t stop shivering 

For lack of better terminology: the healthcare system completely fucking failed me. Nobody asked what I ate or how I felt about food.  They all told me “I was just a little underweight.” and that was okay. 

Anorexia was the giant fucking elephant in the room that nobody wanted to even whisper about. 

Anorexia BMI DSM Criteria 

If you want to know if you have anorexia DON’T read the DSM official diagnosis criteria!

1. Restriction of energy intake relative to requirements leading to significantly low body weight (less than 85% of ideal body weight)
2. Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat, even though underweight.
3. Disturbance in the way in which one’s body weight or shape is experienced, undue influence of body weight or shape on self-evaluation, or denial of the seriousness of the current low body weight.
4. At Least 3 skipped menstrual periods in a row 

My perfectionist brain used these criteria as a checklist.  Since I didn’t know I had an eating disorder, in my mind it was a checklist to validate I was okay. 

My eating disorder brain literally said:  “you’re doing all of these but you’re not quite at the less than 85% of body weight. You’re good”

It seemed that although I was significantly “underweight”, I hadn’t “earned” anorexia. 

However, I will say that there were times when I met all of the “anorexic standards,” but because it wasn’t consistent my eating disorder brain dismissed it. My brain would literally say to me: “I don’t know how many months it’s been since you missed your period. But that’s because you’re very skinny so it’s normal.”

For the record, it’s NEVER normal to miss your period (unless it’s medication-related). However in our culture this often a normalized component of under nourishment.

My Anorexia Rules

My anorexia had a lot of food rules that it believed would make me a superior human being. 

The food rules of my anorexia included: 

• You can eat two meals per day.  Each must be ½ of a normal portion. 
• No more than 1000 calories a day
• You must exercise for 2 hours daily 
• You will not eat anything with more than 3g of fat 
• If you use a sauce, you will barely cover your food
• You must split an entree at a restaurant
• You won’t drink anything that doesn’t do something for you (alcohol, caffeine, or water)
• You don’t eat desserts
• No fast food
• If you feel like you’re going to pass out you can eat a handful of peanuts 

I heard phrases like “only 5% of women have the ideal model body type. It’s unrealistic.” 

My eating disorder would translate that to: 

“You’re one of the 5% of people that have an ideal body type. It’s your responsibility to maintain it because nobody else can.”

My anorexia rules were just a handful of the warning signs of an eating disorder that can too often go overlooked.

I Stopped Feeling My Anorexia Symptoms

I was hungry in the beginning.  But that went away after several months.  Soon my only hunger cue became “I’m a little too close to passing out right now.”  Even those cues stopped coming eventually.

I took on a job of serving and bartending that fit my anorexia needs perfectly. 

My job served my anorexia by: 

• Allowing me to work 50-hour weeks to distract myself
• Making sure to “forget to eat” on my 11-hour shifts of “constant running”
• I didn’t “need a break”
• A chicken strip served as my daily calories. I didn’t even stop running from one spot to the next while I ate it. 
• I was far too busy to ever feel hungry

I was so good at meeting all the demands of my eating disorder voice I decided to become a dietitian.  

I enrolled in school to complete my 3rd degree in dietetics which put the cherry on top of my disordered eating. 

Like many people with anorexia nervosa, I was obsessed with perfectionism.  I completed my degree with a 4.0 GPA, and patted myself on the back for meeting all the “diet-y” rules that are the hallmark of a dietetics degree. 

Am I Anorexic Or Skinny

If you would’ve asked me if I had anorexia, the answer would have been a resounding “no.” 

In fact, I could not have told you I had anorexia until 5 YEARS after becoming a registered dietitian. 

I didn’t begin to suspect I had anorexia until I started to see patients who had eating disorders. 

My patients would come in with: 

• Abnormal lab values
• Irregular heartbeats
• Dangerously low blood pressure
• A whole book of food rules they followed to the minute
• Excessive caloric restriction and inability to stop calorie counting 
• Excessive body checking behavior 

By the third patient- it was like I was looking in the mirror when they walked in the door. Many of them even pursued similar fields of study and held the same perfectionist mindset I was accustomed to. 

For the first time, I thought: “Oh shit. I’m not just skinny. I’m Anorexic.” 

Anorexia Sucks

My anorexia lasted for 12 years. For the better part of that I was: 

• Unable to maintain relationships
• Had difficulty preparing meals for my child because anything other than “vegetables” felt off limits
• Obsessed with keeping my anorexia rules

Anorexia made me feel in control. But I was completely out of control. My eating disorder was in charge of my entire life. 

When I became a mother, I unintentionally served my daughter a healthy dose of my eating disorder with every meal while patting myself on the back for putting stuff on the plate that would “please the masses.” Nothing more, nothing less.

At the height of my anorexia I became so food fatigued and so restricted that nothing sounded good to eat at all.

Anorexia is an abusive partner.  It wants to kill you. If it can’t kill you, it just wants to destroy any relationship or aspiration you’ve ever had. 

Anorexia Recovery Motivation 

By the time I was seeing patients with eating disorders I had already broken off most of my restrictive behaviors.  My anorexia story was coming to a close of normalized eating patterns without my trying.

Not because I wanted to, but because with the demands of running my own business I wasn’t able to restrict and exercise to the extent that my eating disorder demanded. 

I obtained degrees in psychology, anthropology, and nutrition. I considered myself a radical feminist and cultural critic. A liberalized woman. 

Yet… I had missed one HUGE system of oppression that I was an active participant in upholding: Weight centrism. 

I was ignorant to the fact that my fatphobic bias and complete disregard for the welfare of my own body, directly contributed to the oppression of all women and anyone living in a fat body.  

I didn’t realize I was delivering the message: Powerful women should take up less space. 

And this… just pissed me off. 

I began to learn everything I could about eating disorders. I joined my colleagues in thousands of hours of courses and training. 

I was determined to unlearn every eating disorder behavior I had ever submitted to.  I was determined to share my experiences and unique training with others so no one would ever know what it was like to waste away in their own body again.

Is It Possible To Recover From Anorexia 

Anorexia recovery is a long journey.  

I prefer the terms “in recovery” versus “recovered” from anorexia. 

Many people including myself undergo anorexia recovery and: 

• Quite their eating disorder voice
• Learn to respect their body 
• Respect all types of hunger
• Practice gentle nutrition 
• Are able to trade pro ana workouts for joyful movement 

People that are well into recovery like myself are not plagued by the eating disorder behaviors that once ruled their lives.  

However, my eating disorder voice is still there.  It’s quiet, non-threatening, and some days even comical. 

I have not restricted my food, ritualistically weighed, or engaged in any other eating disorder behavior in 5 years.  I am very rarely triggered to want to engage in an eating disorder behavior.  

I always like to use the language “in recovery” versus recovered.  I like this language because it reminds me: 

• I must honor my all of my emotions and tend to them with curiosity and grace
• Surrounding myself with people that respect all bodies is critical for my continued recovery
• I am just practicing the rituals of loving myself. I will need to continue to practice this every day for the rest of my life to stay in recovery

Recovered to me means that the eating disorder is no longer in control of your life.  And in that sense, I am fully recovered from anorexia.

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