How Beauty Compliments Harm

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Last updated on January 25th, 2025 at 11:11 pm

Beauty compliments often send unintended messages. 

To fully understand the nuances of complimenting on beauty, we need to understand that standards of beauty are highly influenced by social constructs. These expectations are ever-changing. This makes meeting beauty standards impossible, and the pursuit of beauty everlasting.

Beauty standards are influenced by:

While well intended, complimenting someone on their appearance sends a clear message about how certain physical attributes are valued more than others.  

Let’s explore some of the reasons why these high-held comments can be problematic and what we might use to show we value someone instead. 

Examples Of Beauty Compliments

There are a few common themes of beauty compliments which include: 

  • Weight comments
  • Comments on how young a person looks
  • Complimenting affluence (for example the ability to be expensive clothes or color hair)

Some examples of common beauty compliments include: 

  • You have the longest most beautiful eyelashes
  • You’re glowing
  • You have an amazing body
  • You’re so thin
  • You have perfectly shaped lips
  • Look at your long gorgeous legs 
  • You have an hourglass figure
  • Your eyes are gorgeous 
  • You have the perfect body
  • Wow! You’ve lost weight 
  • You look so young!
  • Wow you look so good for your age

Because we live in diet culture, the majority of beauty compliments are weight comments

infographic of non beauty compliment

What Do Beauty Compliments Really Say 

Beauty compliments are most often reserved for those identifying as female.  

You rarely see beauty compliments in male-to-male relationships in Western culture. 

The message is clear: a woman’s worth is measured on her physical appearance whereas a man’s is not. 

Infographic on six non beauty compliments

The first thing a beauty compliment says is: 

  • I value you more if you are aesthetically pleasing 
  • I’m objectifying you by focusing on your physical appearance
  • Physical changes should be avoided for you to continue to receive my approval

Females commonly lose a significant portion of their worth and value to objectification. 

When seeking the same opportunities as males, females in most cases must first be aesthetically pleasing. 

While beauty compliments may SEEM harmless and even admirable, they send a clear message: your worth is attached to your aesthetic contribution to those around you.

Why You Should Never Compliment On Someone’s Appearance

A good rule of thumb is that you should never comment on someone’s body unless it’s on fire. 

As you can see in the examples of beauty compliments above, any shift in body autonomy can quickly lead a person to feel devalued and low self esteem.  

Beauty compliments quickly shift from positive to negative when:  

  • A person complimented on weight loss gains weight 
  • Someone complimented us on looking young grow older (as we all will)
  • The person with stunning eyes goes through an injury 
  • A person becomes disabled 

This can occur even if a beauty compliment simply overheard was not directed at you.  

For example, if you heard your mother complimenting another woman on how thin and young they looked as a child, you may then feel obligated to achieve and maintain these “desired traits.”

When you are complimenting a person’s appearance you might also be complimenting:

  • An eating disorder
  • A death
  • A divorce 
  • An illness

All of these major life events can cause dramatic shifts in the body and behavior. Complimenting struggle can cause tremendous harm and perpetuate destructive behavior. 

infographic stating "I love how passionate you are"

How Beauty Compliments Harm 

A seemingly innocent beauty compliment can manifest and linger in a person’s mind for decades.  

Expecting beauty as a standard for worth can lead to: 

Beauty compliments can often lead us into chronic dieting cycles or invasive beauty regimens that can be damaging for years or decades.

Infographic with 4 messages beauty compliments send

You Don’t Have To Be Beautiful To Have Value

Society gives us the impression that: 

  • You are more loveable the more beauty standards you can fulfill 
  • Beauty is a prerequisite before our talents can shine 
  • You should attempt to achieve as many beauty standards as possible
  • People that have beauty are more disciplined and therefore more valued
  • We should show people with more beauty more respect 

All of this is bullshit.  You are under no obligation to be aesthetically pleasing to the masses. 

In fact, the pursuit of objectifying ourselves and the time we spend worrying about it can significantly reduce our ability to live to our full potential and pursue our true talents. 

Once you let go of the moral obligation to be visually appealing to the masses, you will be free.  

It is NOT your responsibility to ascribe to beauty standards to make someone else comfortable.  Beaty standards are ever-changing and ultimately unattainable and should NOT be used to measure worth. 

infographic of non beauty quote

What Can I Say To Someone Instead of Beauty Compliments 

Instead of complimenting on beauty, try these instead: 

  • Your energy lights up the room
  • You are so creative
  • I love how original you are
  • Seeing you smile makes me so happy
  • You’re so smart
  • Your personality is so exciting
  • You inspire me
  • You make me want to be the best version of myself
  • You’re brilliant
  • I love how I can trust you with anything
  • Look at everything you’ve accomplished!
  • You’re so resilient 
  • I love how passionate you are

If you are commenting on something aesthetic, try to make it about something that lends to the person’s style or artistic vision. This might involve grieving the thin ideal and traditional beauty standards.

infographic with pastel colors on non appearance compliments

Some examples of aesthetic comments that are not likely to trigger include: 

  • I love what you’ve done with your nails 
  • Your jeans are so cute
  • That’s a beautiful color on you
  • I love looking at you
  • I love your tattoos
  • I love the way you’ve done your make up 
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Shena Jaramillo. Registered Dietitian
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